We all make mistakes. We should not be afraid of making mistakes, because learning from these mistakes is how we grow. Race, gender, sexuality… there are many places where I’ve said things that I’ve found out later offended someone, for example using an incorrect gender pronoun. I care about including and respecting people, so I try to own my mistakes and apologize. Sounds easy, right??
If you are on the receiving end of an oppressive action, comment, or “joke,” one of the options you have for dealing with the situation is to “call out” the person or group that did an oppressive thing. Because that’s what it is- Oppression. From unintentional microaggression to hate crime… there’s a whole spectrum of ways that people actively oppress one another.
And what do you do when you’ve been called out? Because you feel terrible! It wasn’t your intention to perpetuate oppression! But it happened. It’s time to listen, learn, and apologize.
“That’s not funny.” The Art and Risk of Calling Someone Out
I recently had a situation where I had to call someone out for making a joke about race that cut me down and made me feel awful.
Calling someone out is NOT FUN. I feel like we are all conditioned to take the path of least resistance and we don’t want to draw attention to ourselves or make waves, and I am no exception. But I know that I have to work with this person in the future and to support our relationship and nurture an environment of mutual respect and trust, I followed my own steps for calling someone out.
I like to take a person aside, and follow the following script.
When you said/ did this, it made me feel like this. Right now, I am expecting this action from you. In the future, I would like you to do/ not do this.
“When you made a joke about my race, that made me feel really invisible and excluded. I don’t need anything from you right now, but an apology might make me feel better. In the future, please don’t make jokes about race, because no one wins at that. I’m letting you know how I feel because I respect you and I want us to be able to communicate with each other, not because I think you are a bad person.”
This maneuver is not without risk! You can lose a friend, make a work or social environment difficult, or not get a respectful response. For more tactics on the Art of Calling Someone Out, please read Rookie’s post. (It is written for teens but I find it helps me reflect on whether or not I want to risk calling someone out.) If you want more concrete advice on how to talk to someone who might need persuading or might not be as open to owning their oppressive behavior, I appreciate this quick guide to persuasion when calling someone out, and dealing with potential fallout.
It is an unfortunate reality that the burden of calling out falls heavily on the oppressed. Which is why this behavior still exists, right? If you are being dismissed and held down, your voice isn’t very loud IF you can even find an opportunity to call out bad behavior. The next time you find yourself saying, “Well, I thought that joke was funny, I don’t know why they’re so upset,” check yourself. Is this about you? Is this about your feelings? Or is this an opportunity to listen to someone that doesn’t get the mic very often, and ask them how you can support them?
There are many other ways people can “derail” your conversation, when calling someone out. Derailing means people with privilege minimize and dismiss conversations that attack their privilege. Does, “I think you’re being too sensitive,” or, “You’re too angry about this,” sound familiar? That’s Derailing for Dummies. Reading through Derailing for Dummies is great because it deconstructs a lot of common arguments used to silence people and the more you know, the more you can avoid using these tactics and the better you can defend yourself.
How to Say, “I’m Sorry.” Because Sometimes You’re Going to Be Wrong
The person I called out for making a racist “joke” apologized, but could not offer a sincere apology. The cognitive dissonance between “I am not a bad person” and “I said a bad thing” would not allow them to say, “I’m sorry,” or even own what they did. Their apology was focused on their intention, rather than their impact. In other words, instead of owning, “I am sorry my actions were wrong and made you feel bad,” they could not get past “But I did not mean to make you feel bad.”
There are so many people smarter than I that have talked about how to apologize, so I’m going to leave it to them.
When someone gets called out they are going to be defensive, and focus on their intent, rather than the impact of their actions. “A real genuine apology is made up of two parts: the first part is you take responsibility for what you’ve done, and then the second part is you make a commitment to change the behavior. “
The most important part of this video, for me, is this:
Also, when you acknowledge what went wrong, you wanna try and make sure to avoid the words “but” or “if” because that puts conditions on your apology, or why you did it, and again, we really aren’t trying to talk about intent here. Something that I try to do and I would love to impart on you guys when it comes to sincere apologies is to say thank you. Just a super simple, “thank you so much for bringing this to my attention.” Because it takes a lot of courage to call somebody out. It’s scary and not fun, and it’s a great way to like, soften the experience a little bit.
The last thing to remember when you’re making this apology is don’t just say it – do it. Remember that actions speak louder than words. And you can say sorry ‘til the cows come home, but if you keep engaging in that sort of behavior, or saying those sort of things, then your apology just doesn’t really mean anything.
Jay Smooth also really drives the “intent” vs. “impact” difference home in this video. “What you did” and “who you are” are different conversations. e.g. “That thing you said was racist” vs. “I think you are a racist.”
I came upon this long article justifying a formal “Saying I’m sorry” process for children in the classroom. I’m sharing the highlights in this post because this is a great exercise in taking accountability for adults. (Although I personally do not believe that needing or wanting external forgiveness is necessary.)
I’m sorry for…
This is wrong because…
In the future, I will…
Will you forgive me?
1) I’m sorry for…
Be specific. Show the person you’re apologizing to that you really understand what they are upset about.
2) This is wrong because…
This might take some more thinking, but this is one of the most important parts. Until you understand why it was wrong or how it hurt someone’s feelings, it’s unlikely you will change. This is also important to show the person you hurt that you really understand how they feel. I can’t tell you how much of a difference this makes! Sometimes, people want to feel understood more than they want an apology. Sometimes just showing understanding– even without an apology– is enough to make them feel better!
3) In the future, I will…
Use positive language, and tell me what you WILL do, not what you won’t do.
4) Will you forgive me?
This is important to try to restore your friendship. Now, there is no rule that the other person has to forgive you. Sometimes, they won’t. That’s their decision. Hopefully, you will all try to be the kind of friends who will forgive easily, but that’s not something you automatically get just because you apologized. But you should at least ask for it.
A big life goal for me is to not be the kind of person that just complains, without making an effort to change. Talking about what happened publicly, without shaming or negativity, and offering resources is how I’m working toward changing the negativity that I felt over that “joke.” I can’t make people less racist, but I can help good people do less racist stuff. Also, I’m including myself in that group! The more I learn, the more I know. I’m no expert.